i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
