in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
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