i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
