Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
