overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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