You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
