Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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