took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
