how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
