fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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