happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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