My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
