you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
tell me about the eggs
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
