My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
