fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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