Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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