yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Randomize
