You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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