I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
