new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
