i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
