I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
