Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
