i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
