He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
