I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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