there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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