Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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