I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
