just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
