The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
