I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
