How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
