We won't sleep together?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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