Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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