i love accidental penises.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
