I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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