I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
