When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Terrible idea I love it
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
