I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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