Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
