hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
