I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
