i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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