rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
