I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
