The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
