I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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