hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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