He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
